and change...

My ego almost gets in the way of my writing this post.

After this afternoon's dark reflection, I go to a yoga class. The teacher instructs us this time to focus our attention, rather than on someone or something external, on some aspect of ourselves that we value. I rest in child's pose trying to think of something that fits the criteria.

I draw a blank.

Then, it occurs to me that I like this about myself: that I am inclined to try new things even if I don't think I'll like them.

And that is enough for the practice -- an hour of sweating in a hot, humid room, an hour of stretching forward and backward simultaneously, an hour of tying movement to breath, an hour of exertion, an hour of balances and imbalances, bends and twists.

And, at the end of the hour, despite the disappointment and darkness of the afternoon, I feel enriched, joyful, enlivened.

Is it like a hamster on an exercise wheel, seeking the endorphin rush of brain chemistry? Perhaps. But it feels like more than that from the inside.

My ego wants to be more steady. More serious. Deeper, I suppose. Not quite so prone to variance and mutability and change. More permanent? More significant.

But I think, this evening, that I am as I am, and I'd rather see that than not.